If you really don't feel like going out, don't go out!

This past Saturday night, I didn't feel like going out, but my friends gave me a push that sounded reasonable. I haven't gone out lately, and my social skills might atrophy. Fair enough. I also felt bad not going when I'd told two of my friends, Seena (my roommate) and Krystal (a TESOL classmate), that I would. So of course I didn't follow the advice of my therapist, who said that I shouldn't go somewhere just because I'm worried about letting someone down. I mean, you let that person down even more if you go and act like a party pooper.

Of course, I wasn't planning on acting like a party pooper. I thought, once I was out, I'd probably start enjoying myself. I should've realized, however, that I was too tired and too worried about all the homework I had to have done by my 11 a.m. study group meeting the next day to truly enjoy myself. Long story short: I was kind of bitchy and irritable all evening, and I ended up leaving early by myself.

Time management: why is it so hard for me?

Here I am in the office on a Thursday night, after my class ended at 7. I had the opportunity to go home early and chill, but instead I decided to post a homework entry here, which resulted in my staying here to post a blog entry. It's like I can't get up and just go; I'm stuck in my chair in front of my computer, feeling sloth-like.

Every night I have the opportunity to go to bed early and get eight hours of sleep and still have time to do yoga in the morning before getting to work on time. But I don't do it. I stay up late (like to midnight) playing spider solitaire on the computer, I don't get enough sleep, I don't do much or any yoga, and I arrive late to work.

Every day I have the opportunity to do my homework and my reading early, instead of playing solitaire. But I wait till the last minute and usually I don't even get all my reading done.

I don't really know how to take care of myself. How did that happen?

A few years ago, I read a book on dysthymia (chronic, low-grade depression, which my therapist at the time said I had). It said to do what will make you feel better, even if you don't feel like doing it. I must pay too much attention to that feeling of not feeling like doing what is good for me. I let it drag me down.

I'm generalizing right now; I don't always feel like that. I think it's just tonight I'm in a crappy mood.

Maybe I'm depressed because I couldn't fix the shredder in my office. I fixed the old one all the time by clearing the jams whenever people overloaded it. It still works; it's sitting in my boss' office now. I enjoy fixing machines; it gives me a great sense of accomplishment, and I don't have to deal with anybody. But our poor cross-cut shredder needs to be shipped out to Brooklyn for repairs; the blades would just not budge no matter how much paper I removed.

These are the tasks I enjoy in my job: making copies (and getting the copier to work when others can't), typing things and making tables and powerpoint presentations for people, filing, making calendars and decorations.

These are the tasks I detest in my job: answering the phone, talking to all the people who come into the office (except for the workstudy who is my friend), getting other people to do what my boss wants them to do.

A little antisocial, aren't I? Maybe it's just a phase.

Just an update: the girl who upset me last week with her copier comments has been very nice to me. Today she called me and picked up the very last ticket for a party this Friday, because she was worried that I wanted to go and that I hadn't gotten a ticket yet. She even raced in front of a few girls entering the office to snatch up the last ticket for me. It was so nice that I'm still rather puzzled.