Settling in

I feel as if I've been student teaching in this fifth-grade class for ages, but it's been only three weeks. I'm in the classroom four days a week, and my responsibilities grow by the day. At this point I lead half the class during at least two periods, social studies reading and math. I've done one supervised read aloud; I've four more supervised lessons to go this semester.

Every day is a struggle. Some days I come home feeling defeated, that the fifth graders have kicked my butt once again, or I shouted at someone for misbehavior. In my teacher education classes, I'm learning about how to create a participatory classroom community, to teach with a constructivist philosophy, to value cooperation over obedience (much like we were taught in the conflict resolution class), and to use a moral development model instead of a behavior modification model. Then, in the fifth-grade classroom and the school as a whole, I observe behaviorist methods and direct teaching all day long, not just from the teacher to the student, but from administration to the teachers.

What I am learning from all this confusion is that I have stay on my toes and question everything, even all the little techniques for classroom management I'm picking up every day. When I am a teacher, I will have to ask the really difficult questions of my teaching -- Do my students feel safe? Are they getting an opportunity to talk about their feelings? Do they feel that they have ownership of their learning? Are the activities engaging students and creating deep understanding?

Right now, the questions I ask myself are -- How do I get them to stay seated and listen to instructions? How do I get them to stop playing around in class and hitting each other when they think the teachers aren't looking? How do I address their conflicts? How do I stop myself from demonstrating anger when I feel disrespected by students?

There is a great deal of work to do for all my classes. I promised myself I would go to bed every night at 10 pm so that I could be well rested (and sane). But of course, I haven't been finishing my homework ahead of time like I should, so I've been going to bed late, which means getting up and going to school later than I should, not to mention skipping yoga and meditation altogether. All this makes for a slightly frazzled Jeanne.

Add to that mix, really missing Shane. We used to see each other every single day, and so far it's been a whole month not seeing each other. We do talk on the phone every evening, but that's an awful substitute for actually spending time together. We thought about getting a plane ticket for him to visit this weekend, but in the end we decided the cheap fare wasn't all that cheap, and anyway we both have lots of work to do. I will also be visiting him in Tennessee in two weeks, so we thought it would be better to wait.

This weekend, Shane told me that he feels he should have visited this weekend. I wish he had, too. It has been difficult for both of us to be separated so long. Another reason for me to get all my work done ahead of time -- so that I can truly enjoy my visit to Tennessee! I hope the next two weeks pass quickly.

Last night I went with my Taiwanese friends to a Yankees game, partly as a way to pay them back for helping me move, and there were cheap tickets through school. It was really exciting -- went to 14 innings. They lost in the end, but at least today they won. Going to that game made me miss Shane even more, because he's the one who'd have wanted to go; usually I just tag along.

I'm sleepy and should at least finish the article I'm trying to read....